Crimson Shadows Page 13

  Maggie stiffened in surprise and as she raised her head, Jimmy steeled himself for more recriminations.

  But the jade eyes on his sparkled and her broad grin made Jimmy choke back his unspoken apology.

  "For the past year, I've lived with two of the most wonderful men in the world," Maggie told him and made no attempt to pull away. "But they're homosexual and it's been a very long time since anyone made me feel like a woman instead of just Ellie's mother and a beloved but sexless friend."

  'They'd have to be gay to see you as sexless," Jimmy grumbled and Maggie giggled, her old, full laugh that contained none of the hesitation Jimmy had sensed in her since he arrived. In that moment, all the tension between them melted and Jimmy finally felt himself in the presence of Maggie O'Neill, his sharp-tongued, reckless girlfriend instead of the sad, reserved woman who'd taken her place. "Maggie, I love you. But God help me, if you say 'I love you, too—as a friend', I might just wring your neck or grab the nearest stake."

  "But you are my friend," Maggie laughed again. "Would you feel better if I said you're my enemy?"

  "I'd feel better if you said Baldevar was your enemy, "Jimmy said honestly, holding his breath until Maggie simply nodded instead of bursting into tears at Lord Baldevar's name again. "But I'm trying to understand, Maggie. You felt... something for him and that's why you won't do anything with me." The words nearly choked him coming out of his mouth, but it was worth it to feel Maggie sag against him in relief.

  "I was so worried that you'd hate me for what I did with Simon—that you'd think I was nothing but a whore."

  "I don't hate you, Maggie," Jimmy said into her hair. No, it was Baldevar he hated, for ruining what he and Maggie had had together, for impregnating her (though he already loved Ellie dearly) and making it so Maggie had to turn to him or die. The only thing

  Jimmy didn't understand was how Baldevar could win back Maggie's love and then throw it away just because their kid was mortal. . . that just didn't make any sense.

  Jimmy felt Maggie tense up again and wondered if she was playing Thought Police with his mind again— poking through his thoughts was one habit she'd better break damned quick.

  "What happened between me and Simon isn't the only reason I don't want things getting more ... intense with us," Maggie said and pulled away from him. She sank down into the fat, feather-stuffed mattress of the bed and threw her arms over her head to stretch, prompting Jimmy's imagination into flights of erotic fantasies. "Jimmy, you must know by now how, um, possessive Simon is of me. He may have left but that doesn't mean he won't destroy anyone I try to replace him with."

  "But that's not right!" Jimmy protested. "If he leaves, he can't expect you to stay faithful. It's not fair ... it's not even sane ..."

  "Fair and rational thought isn't always Simon's forte," Maggie said wryly. "Right or not, he despises you for what you mean to me and I don't want him to hurt you. I probably shouldn't even have you here but you mean so much to me. I hated the thought of you not being in my life anymore. It's selfish but I just can't let you go—I need you."

  Jimmy sat down next to her and put his arms around her, emboldened by Maggie's words. "I need you too, Maggie. Look, I say in for a penny in for a pound. If Asshole comes back here and finds me, he'll try and kill me again anyway... at least let me be killed for being your lover instead of a platonic friend."

  He'd hoped to make Maggie laugh but she only smiled sadly, though she didn't shrug off the arms that held her close to him. "Jimmy, it's a very tempting offer but it wouldn't be right. I'm just not capable of loving you the way you deserve to be loved. If I slept with you right now, I'd just be using you."

  "I'm a man for God's sake—use me, please!" he rasped and this time Maggie did laugh.

  'You deserve better," she said and kissed him lightly on the lips. "And until I can give you what you deserve—a woman who only wants you, only thinks of you I think it's better if we're just friends."

  "Okay,"Jimmy finally said and gave her another hug, this time the kind bf embrace one friend would give to another. 'Just friends ... for now." Maggie's words and the light, sweet kiss gave him hope that there would come a time when she got over Simon and they'd find their way back to each other. Besides, Jimmy knew Maggie was a highly passionate woman ... he couldn't see her playing the celibate vampire for long. He'd just have to do as Charles and Lee suggested and give her time.

  And he had nothing but time, Jimmy thought, smiling down at Maggie. Time was the one gift Lord Baldevar had given him so all he had to do was be patient and wait.

  Six

  Sixteen years later

  Jimmy sat at the far end of a jetty and glared at the dark sea churning by his feet, indifferent to the water cresting over the rocks that was soaking his jeans and boots.

  Either Maggie was a brilliant actress or he was the stupidest man ever to walk the earth, Jimmy thought furiously, feeling like a fool when he remembered all her tender sympathy and seeming love for him. To think all of that—the welcome home, the insistence she relied on Jimmy's friendship—was nothing but a calculated lie.

  He should have seen through it, if not that night then any of the thousands of nights that followed when he'd plead with Maggie to love him the way he needed her to love him and always she'd hand him that simpering you-deserve-better-than-me bullshit.

  Maggie was right he deserved better than her, a deceitful, conniving bitch that used him as her fucking beard for Simon Baldevar! That's what Jimmy had been for seventeen years—a beard, a convenient dupe she presented to the world as her lover (though he hadn't even gotten sex out of the miserable situation) while panting for the night Lord Baldevar would come back and Jimmy could be disposed of, no longer serving any purpose in her life.

  "That's not true."

  "You stay the hell out of my mind!" Jimmy yelled and glanced over his shoulder at Maggie, standing barefoot on the slimy rocks and daintily holding her skirt in one hand to keep it from getting wet.

  Jimmy felt a turn of disgust for himself when he couldn't suppress a small part of his heart that saw nothing but beauty as he glared at Maggie. A creature as base as she'd turned out to be had no right to look so bewitching, seeming like some faerie queen as she stared down at him, the moonlight outlining her dainty, china-doll features with silvery luminescence.

  "Get lost, "Jimmy snarled.

  "I'm not going anywhere until you understand what happened," Maggie replied and crossed her arms over her chest, no longer a fey pixie but a creature as formidable as Morgan le Fay when she stared him down with her implacable green eyes.

  "I understand just fine," Jimmy snapped and rose to his feet, feeling height might give him some advantage over the petite Maggie. "You needed me here to convince all your vampire enemies that you and shit- head were really through. So what if lying to me the way you did meant spitting on any friendship we'd had ..."

  "Stop it!" Maggie yelled and the shrill scream went through Jimmy like a knife, so for several moments he couldn't find the will to speak again while Maggie launched into her explanation.

  "You're so fucking self-centered, Jimmy—everything's always me, me, me! How does this affect me? Why did Maggie lie to me?"

  "Why did Maggie lie to me?" he roared rhetorically. "Because her lord and master told her to!"

  "Shut up!" Maggie screamed and her fist flew at his solar plexus. So taken aback was Jimmy by the unexpected blow that he flew backward into the ocean. Had he been mortal, Jimmy might have been dragged into the deep sea by the brutal undertow, but as it was, he was able to climb back onto the jetty after getting a tenuous hold on the rocks.

  "Are you going to keep your mouth shut and listen to me?" Maggie demanded, completely unapologetic as she glared at the dripping, shivering mess she'd turned Jimmy into.

  "Will you feed me to a shark if I don't?" Jimmy replied sulkily, but sat down and removed his soggy boots, socks, and vest. He thought of taking off his wet jeans but decided the discomfort of wet denim was pre
ferable to carrying on this argument in his underwear.

  "Simon never told me to lie to you and if he had, I would've told him to go to hell—just like I should tell you that for thinking such terrible things of me."

  "But you did lie," Jimmy pointed out. "You never told me you had twins and you let me believe you and Baldevar were through."

  "I didn't do it to hurt or exploit you. I did it for Mikal and I'd do it again if it meant my son's well- being." Maggie hunched down next to him and grabbed his hands with an inexorable grip he couldn't break. "I couldn't tell you about Mikal because you were too newborn to be able to keep the secret."

  "What the hell is that supposed to mean?" Jimmy cried, deeply insulted. "Being a vampire made me stronger..."

  "Stronger than mortals," Maggie broke in. "Not other vampires. Jimmy, I knew if you went anywhere and Charles or I weren't with you, any older vampire could pick up on your presence without you having the slightest awareness of them. They'd be able to spy on your thoughts and that would mean if I had told you about Mikal..."

  "They'd see it," Jimmy finished. Christ, he hadn't thought of that at all, that some monster like the ones that tried to kill Maggie could spy on his mind and learn all about her son.

  "All right," Jimmy nodded and watched Maggie's shoulders sag in relief. That gesture went to his heart more than anything else she'd done. Maggie had come running out here after him to explain herself; maybe she really did value his friendship in some way.

  "I value you in every way," Maggie said, and then flushed. "Sorry, I shouldn't pry. But your thoughts are so intense they're coming at me whether I want them to or not. Don't you see, Jimmy? Suppose that happened on one of your trips?"

  "I understand," Jimmy said and he did—part of the twisted truth, at any rate. "You were trying to keep Ellie and Mikal safe."

  "Ellie!" Jimmy yelped and jumped to his feet. "Jesus, Maggie, what if he's transforming her while we're out here?"

  "I'd know if something like that was being done to my daughter," Maggie replied. "But we should head back inside."

  Feeling more amiable if not completely understanding of Maggie and her baffling attraction to Lord Baldevar, Jimmy took her arm and guided her over the slippery rocks as they made their way back to shore, his wet jeans squishing noisily as his thighs rubbed together.

  "Maggie," Jimmy said, keeping his hand on her when they reached the relative stability of the sand. "I can understand that you needed to keep Mikal hidden but did you have to let Simon have him? What if we'd all gone to ground ..."

  "Ellie included?" Maggie demanded. "What kind of life would that have been for her?"

  "What kind of life was it for Mikal?" Jimmy asked quietly and Maggie shrugged helplessly.

  "I don't know," she replied and Jimmy saw the old frustrated helplessness that he finally understood shadow her eyes. "Simon never gave me any word of him."

  "Holy shit, Maggie, you've got to be kidding me!" Jimmy exclaimed but one glance at her expression showed this was no joke. "Of all the fucking . . . how could he not tell his son's mother how the kid was? And how could you let this go on?"

  "What could I do?" Maggie cried and Jimmy felt his throat tighten at how woebegone she looked. "You think I wanted to just wave goodbye to my son and leave him with Simon?"

  "You didn't?"

  "Of course not!" she yelled and Jimmy glanced uneasily at the house—surely Baldevar could hear her carrying on. "I'm not blind, Jimmy. I know Simon's faults ... I bet I know them better than anyone in the world. I know what he's capable of and I knew what he could raise our son to be but I just couldn't see anything else to do but let him take Mikal. Besides, do you honestly believe I could have stopped him?"

  God knows I couldn't have, Jimmy thought bitterly. "Don't beat yourself up, Maggie. You're right—you couldn't have kept him from Mikal."

  "I don't think I would have tried," Maggie confessed and gave Jimmy a tired smile. "Does that shock you? Let me tell you about the night our vampire enemies found me alone. I fought them as best as I could but there were too many and I was weakened by pregnancy. Do you know what they did to me? They were going to kill me by scalping me and running a sword through my womb, then leave me wounded and bleeding for daylight to claim me. With the last of my strength, I called out to Simon and he came, Jimmy. He came to me and he destroyed every last one of those monsters and all he wanted for saving my babies and me was for me to love him. That night he saved me was when we became lovers again. After Mikal and Elizabeth were born and Simon proposed taking Mikal into hiding, I went along because I couldn't get that night he saved me out of my mind. I just kept thinking that whatever those sick sons-of- bitches had tried to do to me, imagine what they might do to Mikal. I knew I might not be able to protect my son from that, so I had to give him to Simon. I had to keep Mikal safe, Jimmy. Can't you see that? I had to keep him safe."

  "Okay, Maggie,"Jimmy said when she started to cry the miserable, rasping noises of a person that didn't want to cry but couldn't stop. Jimmy gathered her up clumsily and held her tighdy. "It's okay, Maggie. I understand." He understood that Maggie had had a choice that was no real choice to make—keep her son with her and know he'd grow up decent but might die if she couldn't defend him or give him to the one creature that could keep him safe, knowing all too well what Simon Baldevar might turn her son into.

  "It's not okay," Maggie cried against his shoulder. "Every dark vision I've had of what Simon might do has come home to roost. Did you hear him? Ellie has to transform because her own brother wants to hurt her. My God, what kind of creature has my son turned into?"

  "Like father, like son," Jimmy said, unable to keep his bitterness toward Baldevar inside. "Maggie, it's not your fault but if you give a kid to a psychopath, you have to expect..."

  "Simon isn't a psychopath," Maggie argued. "A sadist, maybe .. . really more of a narcissist than anything else. Psychopaths lie constantly and can't maintain anything but surface relationships. Simon doesn't lie, he's capable of some empathy and maintaining relationships..."

  "Like the one he maintained with you while he went off with your boy?"

  "Simon said he thought it would be easier on us all to maintain minimal contact," Maggie answered. "He wrote to me and Ellie all the time but we could never risk joining together until Mikal was strong enough to fight his own batdes. And he never wanted the twins to have contact while they were children—he worried that Mikal would despise Ellie because she didn't have to be hidden away."

  "It's sounds like the sick bastard despises Ellie anyway," Jimmy said cuttingly. "No doubt dear old Dad taught him any mortal—including his sister—is just food..."

  "No! Simon loves Ellie. Jimmy, I know what he put you through and I'd never excuse it but there is a good side to Simon."

  "Would that be the one that drained you dry while humping you?"

  Maggie flushed and glared daggers at Jimmy. "What we do in bed is none of your business. We're not hurting anybody."

  "Bullshit! "Jimmy replied. "You're my friend so I'm making it my business. Look, I know what we used to have is in the past—I can accept that. I want you to find a man who'll make you happy just as much as I want that happiness for myself. But you won't find it with Simon Baldevar. What he was doing in bed wasn't just some kinky sex and furthermore, someone is being hurt—you. Christ, how can you let him just... use you like that?"

  "I know what it looks like," Maggie said and gave Jimmy the most complex look of pain, confusion, and reckless defiance he'd ever seen. "You think I'm Lord Baldevar's little sex toy . . . his blood whore, as so many of our kind have called me. And you want to know something? There are plenty of times I feel like a whore but I ... I want him. When we're . . . alone ... I want him anyway he wants to have me. It's like ... nothing seems to matter anymore. I can't think when he touches me. My mind goes blank and all I know is his touch, the wonderful places he takes me while I sacrifice my pride and self-respect on the altar of his ... uh, you know. Why do you
think I left him, Jimmy? I hated the power he had over me, the way he controlled my mind through my body and the blood lust."

  "Then why the hell did you go back with him, Maggie?" The question wasn't asked reproachfully but with genuine puzzlement. The things Maggie had just said to him—that she had been so open about her feelings toward Lord Baldevar astonished Jimmy. Jimmy wanted desperately to understand her and then help her ... help her the way she'd helped him so many times.

  "I was once like you—before Simon transformed me," Maggie said and gave Jimmy a bleak little grin that made him want to weep for her, this complex woman he was only now beginning to understand. "I thought love was a safe, pleasant matter of finding a boy I had things in common with, who I thought was handsome, who made me laugh, who'd be my friend .. . someone to raise a family with, grow old with."

  "Then I met Simon," Maggie said and her voice was so low and far away sounding, Jimmy wondered if she was in a trance. "And I found out true love isn't about companionship . . . it's about desire and voracious need. It's about having that need take you over completely, dominate you with all its cravings and pulls so that nothing else matters. That's what I thought when Simon offered transformation—'I want to be with him, nothing else matters.' And nothing did matter—not my scruples, my conscience or the mortal family I gave up without a second thought. He filled the world for me, Jimmy—he still does. And it wasn't just sex. It was the way he'd hold me when I woke up frightened, the way he was interested in my every thought, the way he filled my heart to bursting. I left him because I saw that love was turning me into a slave. A slave to my desires, to an insatiable need that rages and demands and won't rest until it's sated."

  "Is that what you want to be now? "Jimmy asked and Maggie looked up at him with surprise, like she'd forgotten he was there, and then shrugged helplessly.